Let’s Not Play Any Games…


9781426808197_p0_v1_s192x300 After months of searching, I’ve finally found you, bellissima, and here we are now in this quaint little diner in some backwater town… Giancarlo! Dove siamo? Che vuol dire, che non sai? Texas? Come diavolo siamo arrivati qui? Ah, basta! Forgive me for my outburst, cara mia… my driver, he takes me a little too literally sometimes. When I said to the ends of the earth, I meant as far as Milano. I am a shrewd and very busy billionaire, cara, I cannot afford… And by that, I mean time. Money, I can shower you with, but time—ah, I’m sure you understand. Would you happen to have decent single malt Scotch whiskey in here? Lagavulin, perhaps? Oh… No, thank you. I don’t think I’ve ever had a Coors Light… Water will be fine. Do you have Veen? Oh, it’s this lovely bottle of water from Finland. Umm… I’m sure Dasani (?) will be perfectly adequate. Would you happen to know where it was bottled? Chiedo scusa, of course, you are working, amore mio, I did not mean to bother you… Scusi! Who is the owner of this establishment? Here is a check for five thousand U.S. dollars, signora. Your employee, LeAnn, will be taking the rest of the day off and coming with me… My Rolls Royce is parked just over here, cara. We’ll have a talk, huh, just you and me? Don’t worry about Giancarlo. He is my most discreet and trusted servant. Giancarlo, fatti gli affari tuoi per ora! Ti dirò più tardi.

Now imagine my surprise, amore mio, when I woke up in my yacht that morning and found that you had snuck off like a thief in the night while I slept. Why did you do that? Was my lovemaking not satisfying to—hah, of course that’s not it. I’m being ridiculous. I’m a magnificent lover. Even you, as an inexperienced virgin, must have realized the ecstatic, orgasmic, carnal delights that I had bestowed upon your body most generously. And I, so bewitched, so entranced by your innocence and naivete and this tiny little freckle you have on the tip of your nose that I immediately offered to keep you as my darling mistress in your own apartment in Florence and give you a very generous monthly allowance. Instead you threw my offer in my face and led me on this merry chase for so many months. Do you not think me so busy a man that I can chase a Texan waitress halfway around the world for months on end? Perchè lo hai fatto, bellissima? Yes, yes, I understand that you do not speak a lick of my language. I shall refrain from using it. Aspetta, cosa stai dicendo? I do not understand what you are telling me. What is “knocked up”? Es-tu enceinte? Oui, that was French. Sei incinta? Madre di Dio, LeAnn, why did not you not contact me right away? Did you not mean to tell me? Do you mean to raise my child in this… backwater village? Well, there’s nothing else to be done for it, I suppose. We will have to get married right away. What do you mean, you object? You object to marrying me, Rodolfo Michelangelo Vizconde Santamaria? Do you not know that mine is one of the oldest families in Italia? And that I am very, very wealthy? You… are a very, very strange… child-woman hybrid. I offer you comfort and a lifetime of unimaginable luxury and you want… what— love and devotion? You want, yes? Three little words? Fine. Fine. Do you realize that to me, they are merely three, arbitrary, idiotic words that mean—Pour l’amour de Dieu! I love you. Now will you be my bride? Why are you crying now? I…do not understand you at all.

At last… you have escaped me for the last time, mia piccola cagna. You are mine now. Forever.

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2 thoughts on “Let’s Not Play Any Games…

    1. bam Post author

      Missed you too, boo!

      I was a little nervous about venturing back into cover snarkage because I wasn't sure what the cooler, edgier kids were doing these days, but damn, I think I still got it. 😉

      Nowadays everybody wanna talk like they got something to say
      But nothing comes out when they move their lips
      Just a bunch of gibberish
      And motherfuckers act like they forgot about Dre


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